Gilmore Girls: Season 3, Episode 9: A Deep-Fried Korean Thanksgiving

gilmore girls cat vs kirk

At the risk of sounding like one of those "I don't own a tv" snobs, I have to admit that I don't own a TV. As a result, there are huge swaths of TV that I have no familiarity with. So when I say that I do not know what a Gilmore Girls is, I'm not trying to be dismissive - it's legitimately not on my radar. But here's the thing: if you google Cat Vs. Kirk one of the top results is a clip of a Gilmore Girls episode where a guy named Kirk has a fight with a cat who is also named Kirk. If that's a thing, well, it should probably be a thing I know about.

And if I'm going to watch the episode where Gilmore Kirk fights the Cat-Kirk, then I should probably watch it on Thanksgiving, because it turns out that the battle between the two Kirks is only one subplot in an episode that's mostly about the titular Gilmore Girls trying to juggle four Thanksgiving commitments. And lo and behold, it has come to pass: it is Thanksgiving today and mine eyes hath seen the glory of the coming of the Cat-Kirk.

Some context first: the Gilmore Girls is apparently about some lady and her daughter. From what I gathered in this particular episode, the lady is mad at her mother because of reasons. Her daughter is worried because she just broke up with her first boyfriend and now she feels weird about being with a new guy. The ex-boyfriend is beefing with the new boyfriend. There are also some very religious Koreans who are serving Tofurkey for Thanksgiving, which makes everyone mad because that's apparently sacrilege (even though Tofurkey is delicious.) There's a chef who doesn't want her husband to deep fry their turkey when she could make it in a fancier way. Basically, there's a bunch of stuff going on, and even though I have never laid eyes on any of these people before it is pretty clear who they are and what their deal is. It seems like a solid, dependable, not-too-noteworthy show - the sort of thing that would make fine background noise.

But I didn't come here for arguments about turkey (or Tofurkey), and I didn't come here for background noise. I came here to watch the battle of wills between a guy who has my name and a cat who also has my name. And boy was it a disappointing battle.

For one, the cat is never seen on screen. Kirk recounts his first epic battle with his feline when he's seen buying bandages at the local grocery store, and then he tells of the next wave of combat when they see him eating dinner at the local diner. But that's it: we hear what happened without seeing it. We don't even get to see a scene of the cat looking angry. Kirk is obviously a third string character who is brought on for comic relief, and he gets maybe two or three minutes of the 42 minute episode. If his owner barely factors into the show then the cat he adopts is definitely an afterthought.

Here's how unimportant Gilmore-Kirk is on the show: they don't even bother to resolve his story. The episode just ends with him sleeping in an open air gazebo in the center of the town square and everyone acts as if this is a totally normal thing for a human being to do in November in their town. He is so unimportant on the show that nobody would give a damn if he froze to death in public on a major national Holiday. That is some cold-ass nonsense, Gilmore Girls.

Come on Gilmore-Kirk. You're a grown-ass man and you need to get your shit together. I understand that there are strong willed cats. I know that it can be hard to tame a feral beast who doesn't want to be in your house. But you have to know that you have all the cards here. You have the food. You have a cat carrier that can be used for time-outs. You have time on your side, because humans generally outlive cats. You can control how many creatures sleep in the warm inside of your house and how many of them sleep in the cold outside. You can figure  out how to win this war because this is not rocket science. And if you can't? Well, then you don't deserve the name Kirk, you simpering jack-ass. 

Winner: Gilmore Kirk is an embarrassment to all Kirks. HE WINS NOTHING

Gilmore Girls on IMDB