Welcome to Space Show

Alright, here's what I understood about Welcome to Space Show: the wasabi plant is a close cousin to a plant named zughaan that's been extinct for five billion years. You need zughaan to restart a floating city (or it could be a space monster?) that's been lying dormant in a dark matter cloud since before Earth was a planet. A tiny warthog and a giant furball with one eye want to steal some wasabi to restart the floating city, which might be an evil thing to do but is at the very least illegal under space laws, but they're blocked by Pochi, an alien who looks like a dog, who is here to study Earth's botany. Although Pochi successfully keeps the poachers from stealing any wasabi, he is hurt in the process.

Meanwhile. five Japanese pre-teens who are at summer camp - and by "summer camp" I mean "their parents dropped them off in a class room, told them to do some homework, then promised that they would be completely without adult supervision for the next seven days" - decide to go out into the forest behind their classroom to try to find a rabbit that one girl accidentally lost. This rabbit is such a big deal to these kids that they are going to keep arguing about it even after they are 400 light years from Earth; they just cannot let it go.

Anyway, the kids stumble on Pochi, bring him back to the empty room that is their home for the next week, and they heal his wounds. When he wakes up the pre-teens are shocked to discover that he talks, and to prove that he's an alien and not the dog he appears to be one of the teens looks into his butthole. (Pictured above.) At first, this seems like a joke, but its actually a troubling sign of her anal obsession, because she will look into the butts of many aliens before this movie is over. Actually, the final emotional scene will end with all the kids hugging Pochi while they are on their way back to Earth and just when you think it's just going to be a sweet wrap up Pochi has to remind her not to look up his butthole one more time. Seriously, that's how they celebrate their safe return to Earth: by reminding a pre-teen that just because someone isn't wearing pants doesn't mean you get to eyeball their down-unders.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. To reward the kids for healing him and to make up for the fact that instead of getting a school trip the kids got a week of parental abandonment Pochi offers to take them to the moon. Once they get to the moon, Pochi calls the space authorities and tells them about the warthog and the furball and suggests that they shut down travel to Earth. The space authorities agree and promptly cancel all trips to Earth, which ends up stranding the Earth kids on the moon, which is a problem, because their parents may or may not care that their kids aren't there when they come back in a week to check on them.

Pochi, realizing that he's screwed up, tells the kids that they can't get to Earth from the moon now, but they can get to the Earth from a different planet that's farther away, but they'll need to raise 100,00 space credits to afford the fancier trip. They spend two minutes doing the mathematical comparison and discover that each space credit is worth $1.83, so they are definitely going to need to get jobs on the moon. (Pochi doesn't offer to get a job, but he does go to the race track to bet on the space-ponies. That works out about as well as you'd expect - after Pochi loses all his money he starts a fist fight with the alien next to him.)

All of the Japanese kids are immediately hired as delivery people and day care attendants. One of the kids even gets a job as an apprentice in a rocket building shop even though he is clearly barely old enough to ride a bike. While they wait to collect a quarter of a million dollars in space money, they live in a hotel where there are baby bottles of milk (complete with rubber nipple) in the mini-bar (did anyone explain to them that drinking from the mini-bar is not a good way to save money?) and they eat a lot of astro-burgers with floating colas on the side. (They are disappointed that the only exotic thing about the cola is that it floats. They are not grateful that they have edible food provided for them while they are on the basically uninhabitable moon.)

I am only maybe a third through with this movie's plot at this point, and I'm also only through the parts that make sense. Once they get enough money to board the space worm that will take them 400 light years away overnight shit gets really crazy. It honestly gets so fucking crazy that I am not sure what in the hell happened, but I do know that there is a dog faced woman who has cleavage for some reason, there's a morbidly obese cat/racoon thing that has tattoos and a belly button, and there's Tony, a fish that swims inside the glass head of a Kool-Aid Man-ish sentient drinking container, who apparently rules an entire planet. I know that Pochi is going to develop serious sexual tension with a 7 year old girl - bad enough tension that when he's called on it his entire body will blush, turning him pink from head to toe. And I know that I saw this in a goddamn science museum. Thanks OMSI!

I did not really enjoy watching this, but I'm also kind of glad that I saw it. Mostly, I want to be like those kids irresponsible parents and pretend that this whole thing never happened. Let's do that, shall we?

Winner: ????

Welcome to Space Show on IMDB