My cat is tiny. A solidly fat cat is shaped like a loaf of bread; she’s shaped more like a cat, but like, a cat with basically no body fat. I took her to the vet once and got complimented on her healthy weight because the vet assumed I had put her on a healthy diet. I had to tell the vet that I leave her kibble bowl full of food and she eats two bites and stops, and that I have nothing to do with her ability to do that. Her self control is no reflection on my ability to be a good pet owner.

Honestly, her ability to eat a reasonable amount of calories despite being near a never ending buffet of food kind of frustrates me. Marc Maron has a joke about how he feels judged when his cat sees him masturbating; I feel more judged when I know the cat is watching me eat because I know that I have less self control about food than she does. If she weighed twice as much I’d feel a lot less neurotic about overindulging in front of her.

If there was a Freaky Friday sort of swap and I got to live her life for awhile… Well, of course I would see what it was like to sleep through a movie while she had to pay attention to it for once, but also, I would see what it was like to just not give a fuck about stuffing your face all the time. That would be fascinating to me. I think about that scenario a lot. Also, I think about how much I wish I had gotten the fat cat that I wanted to get, instead of the thin cat that the fates brought to my door. (Literally – she walked in the front door and chose me. I just didn’t kick her out.)

Anyway, people were excited about Joe because they wanted Nicolas Cage to leave behind the trashy action movies he’s been making for the last few years and to return to the sort of serious adult fare that won him an Oscar. And this film is fine, if you like poverty porn, but I have never had any sort of tolerance for movies that gawk at people living in hovels, and I tend to tune out of such movies early enough that I often don’t have much to say about them.

And furthermore, while Cage is fine in the movie it honestly felt a little bit like it was a waste of his time. There’s not many people that could have made the National Treasure movies as entertaining as they were; he really elevated an insane and pulpy story to something that was surprisingly fun. On the other hand, there are a lot of serious indie-minded actors who could have done a stoic but destructive character study like this. I get why people are frustrated with his current all ghost-riding all the time career, but come on, why make a guy who is great at ghost riding hang around a shack looking mopey and drunk when he could be hanging out in hell looking all flame headed and bad ass? 

Winner: The Cat

Joe on IMDB