Anonymous

Because I don't have any kids my mom can't ask me about how her grandchildren are doing. Instead, she's taken to asking me how her grand-cat is doing. Because cats only do three things it's kind of a hard question to answer without repeating the same thing every time.

 

The last time we talked when she asked me about her grand-cat I turned the table on her and asked about her cats. But I couldn't figure out what to call them. If my cat is her substitute grandchild then theoretically her cats are... my brothers? After all, any of her children would be my brothers or sisters. But that doesn't seem right to me because I have almost no relationship with them. When one of your parents has a friend that isn't technically part of your family you might call them "Uncle"... But asking about my uncle-cats doesn't make any sense, either, because if her cats are my uncles then they'd be her brothers, so it just raises the same problem where I don't want to call them anybody's brother.

 

I suppose the semantical issue here doesn't really matter because none of us is actually related to any cats, but it is kind of interesting to think about. Cat generations don't really map onto people generations so it seems like it would be easy to get into I'm My Own Grandpa territory pretty quickly once you start adding pets into the family tree.

 

Anyway, Anonymous is a movie from the director of Independence Day that's trying to argue that the person who wrote the plays of 'Shakespeare' wasn't really William Shakespeare. It has a whole convoluted theory about how the real author was a lord who was banned from writing because he was a lord and also he had to lie low after he put a baby in the virgin queen and then she was mad at him because that wasn't cool. It raises a lot of questions, but it ignored the only question I had: namely, who in the hell do they think is going to care about this?

 

Because if you don't care about Shakespeare there's no reason to watch a movie about the true identity of Shakespeare. And if you do care about Shakespeare you're probably going to find this movie pretty insulting. And also irrelevant, because what does it matter who actually wrote the words? The words themselves are what's important and they won't change a bit if we change who we accredit them to.

 

Trust me: this movie is a lot less interesting than trying to figure out your relationship to your relative's pets.

Winner: The Cat

Anonymous on IMDB