No Holds Barred

I have no idea if this is true or not, but when I was younger my dad told me that when they were designing the reactor at Three Mile Island they put in around 200 binary choices where you would have to pick the wrong option 200 consecutive times to cause a meltdown. Supposedly they figured that it would be statistically impossible for someone to do the wrong thing that many times in a row without accidentally doing something right once, but then we came within an inch of that reactor melting down anyway.

This movie features a similar number of consecutive wrong choices. Starting with: let’s build a movie around Hulk Hogan, whose acting style is basically bugging out his eyes and grunting. Then: let’s pair him against a villain who is cross eyed and whose eyebrows start halfway over his left eye and continue uninterrupted over his nose to his right eye. (They are the craziest eyebrows I have ever seen, and his face is in close up a lot, another odd choice.) Then: let’s not even bother to introduce the villain until we are well over half an hour into this shitshow but bring up Hulk Hogan’s charity called “Sports for Kids” in the first fifteen minutes. Also: “Battle of the Tough Guys” could be a network television show, right?

Every part of this movie feels ill considered. You’d think that Hogan could pull off the fight scenes even if he couldn’t do the rest of it, but he’s so roided up that he actually looks less tough when he’s fighting. When you see him standing there you’re like “oh, he’s a big guy, he’s probably strong”, but when you see him try to punch people you realize he’s too oversize to be able to move well. He looks stiff and awkward and slow, and he might be the least plausible action star I can remember ever seeing.

This movie is a total trainwreck that seems to have been birthed by a mixture of cocaine and hubris, and it’s a good example of why I like my rating system more than a simple star system. I would have a hard time giving this high marks in an objective system, but I can definitely say that I was more entertained by this than I would have been by a nap.

Winner: Me

No Holds Barred on IMDB