Ninja 2

In the first scene of Ninja 2 we meet our (very much white skinned) hero as he flirts with a female student who is training at his dojo. The next time she appears on screen they have gotten married and she's pregnant. In short order they eat dinner, have sex, go to sleep, and then she's killed in the middle of the night while he's out getting wacky foods to appease her pregnancy cravings. All of this goes to prove two things: 1. it is definitely a karmically enforced rule of the universe that knowing any form of martial arts and having any sort of a family are mutually exclusive and 2. the people that made Ninja 2 know that if you're going to make a movie with a title like Ninja 2 you've got to keep it moving.

The same way that it is the best of times and the worst of times in A Tale of Two Cities, Ninja 2 is the best of titles and the worst of titles for a movie like this. It promises exactly what this movie will deliver, and nothing more. Those two words are short and generic, but they still manages to tell you that this movie is going to have a lot of violent deaths and that this is definitely a sequel. It makes no promises about innovation, and that is good, because this movie is not going to deliver anything innovative.

Like the good paint by numbers movie that it is, Ninja 2 puts most of the colors in the right boxes. The one thing that it doesn't do is provide much fun. Well, it could be fun if you really enjoy watching extras get murdered, but if you aren't into disembowlings there isn't much here that feels convivial. Our white ninja hero can execute all the moves, but he doesn't have much charisma. There's nothing close to comic relief – this movie takes itself way more seriously than a movie where someone who keeps trash barrels on fire in their office gets decapitated should. It's a lot of fuss, but very little pleasure.

So just because it amuses me to do so and because I went into this movie looking for something amusing I'm going to post two screen captures I took during this movie which look goofy. I generally try to avoid using photos that aren't flattering because it's disrespectful to the actors to steal an awkward photo of them making a weird face as they transition between frames, but I signed up for fun with this movie, damnit, and I'm going to have some fun even if it kills me.

Winner: The Cat

Ninja 2 on IMDB