Werewolves on Wheels

Last night I went to a local video store that specializes in cult films called Movie Madness. One of the movies featured in the employee picks section of the store was an Easy Rider knock-off called "Werewolves on Wheels". After reading the back of the box - which asked "Is it art? Is it exploitation? Yes!" - I decided that it was worth spending a dollar on. What follows are the notes I took during the 86 minutes of my life that I just flushed down a werewolf shaped hole.

-We open with the titular biker gang going down the highway. Hmm. I wonder if it's a bit presumptive to call them the "titular" bikers. What if they are a good biker gang that has to take down a rival gang of furry monster bikers? In a world where werewolves can wield wheels anything is possible.

-The bikers decide to stop for a nap in front of a Satanic church. I have to say: I haven't spent very much time in my life thinking about the Venn diagram of bikers / Satanists, but I bet you there's more overlap there than there is between Sharks and Jets, who are, after all, natural enemies.

-The leader of the Satanists is named "One". He has taken a single hair from the head biker's "old lady" and is now using black magic to turn her into Satan's bride. (Is that an upgrade? Hard to tell.) We know that this is happening because she was wearing her denim biker uniform and then she was spontaneously in a white dress. (And noticeably lacking a bra.) Which makes me wonder: was this filmed after Labor Day? They say that two wrongs don't make a right, so marrying Satan while committing a fashion faux pas is just wrong on wrong.

-Satan's bride is now doing a naked dance with a serpent. Pretty sure those breasts are fake? But this movie is from the early 70s which seems a little too early for fake breasts. Maybe her breasts are just super perky? I mean, the nipple placement is weird and they seem oddly round, but the frame is cropped at such an odd angle and there's a lot of editing going on so there's not enough good evidence to make a call either way. Kind of want to research the history of fake breasts to suss out a general timeline but I also feel like now is not the time to go down a Wikipedia rabbithole. After all, the black magic has started so wolfing should imminent.

-First thirty minutes of the movie is now over and so far there has been multiple wheels but no werewolves. Feel like this is not a good ratio for an exploitation movie. After all by this point in Teen Wolf we had already had wolves AND wheels AND more specifically wolves surfing ON TOP of wheels. Come on, Werewolves on Wheels, you can't let Teen Wolf out-wolf you. (It's fine if it out-Teens you, though.)

-Is it really a good idea to crawl around all fours in the woods while saying "rape me, Satan"? I'm not asking because I'm superstitious, I'm saying it because... Ah, hell, I shouldn't have to explain why I think that's a bad idea. That's either the sort of thing you get or you don't.

Is snake karaoke a thing?

Is snake karaoke a thing?

-Man, bikers sure didn't like wearing helmets back in the 70s. I cannot imagine that they will be more safety conscious once they turn into Supernatural Hell Beasts in Satan's Service. (Which reminds me, SHBISS would be a good name for a band. Catchy, you know?)

-Huh. Those two biker dudes just mouth-to-mouth kissed. Can pooping back and forth be far behind? More importantly: can werewolf on werewolf action be far behind? (I don't care if they kiss but I would really love some werewolf action right about now.)

-Everyone is falling asleep around a campfire. One of the bikers says "you know what we should do? Pee in all of their ears." Remind me not to camp with that guy.

-58 minutes in and they are still camping. There has yet to be a werewolf on a motorcycle. Jesus Christ, how hard is it to put a fucking werewolf on top of a fucking motorcycle? Don't answer that.

-The DVD box claimed "if you're hairy you belong on a motorbike." In all fairness it didn't have a "you must be this hairy to ride a motorbike" chart so I might have drastically overestimated how hairy you had to be before you would be forced to join this bike gang. I mean, I can't dispute the fact that many of these non-werewolves have beards.

-Huh. They have driven to some sand dunes? I would love it if they biked to the Sahara for no apparent reason. I doubt there are any more werewolves in Egypt than there are in this movie, but their odds of running into a mummy would be pretty good over there. I am literally rooting for any sort of monster to show up at this point.

-Fourteen minutes to go. If there isn't a lycanthrope on a Triumph in the next ten minutes I'm calling my Congressman. I think his name is "Mr. Oregon" but I could be wrong. Note to self: research "Mr. Oregon" immediately after you get done researching the percentage of biker women who would have had access to fake boob technology in 1971.

-A flashback to One and Satan's Bride. Which reminds me: this film has nudity and a guy who loves Satan, but it is damn sure no Nude for Satan.

This is as close as this movie gets to showing a werewolf and some wheels in the same frame. (The flaming thing is a werewolf.)

This is as close as this movie gets to showing a werewolf and some wheels in the same frame. (The flaming thing is a werewolf.)

-Sadly, the odds of them being in the Sahara have dipped to zero. They have now driven to an area with trees and are fighting amongst themselves AND FUCK OFF THEY CANNOT BE CAMPING AGAIN GODDAMNIT THIS MOVIE SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED CAMPING FOR THE ANTRICHRIST OR SOME HORSESHIT LIKE THAT

-Nine minutes to go. Which means they have enough time to go camping four more times. Maybe they'll take it to the next level and make s'mores on top of their voodoo-doll fire.

-WEREWOLF! WEREWOLF! WEREWOLF! Now someone point that werewolf towards some wheels and we're set to go. Although now that I think about it if you aren't supposed to drive after you've taken sudafed you probably aren't supposed to drive under the influence of Satan.

-Huh! There's a lady werewolf now. She doesn't look very good. I think she needs bangs to compliment her furry face but then again I'm no hairdresser so I could be totally wrong.

-The lady werewolf reminds me: while this movie has been pretty werewolf deficient it has still had more good supernatural action than the first Twilight. Now I'm thinking that if this movie had a baby with a movie called "Vampires on Tricycles" they could have started a billion dollar franchise called "Twilight On Vehicles". Ah well, missed opportunities.

-Huh, I thought werewolves had to be killed with silver bullets but I guess you can just kick them into a campfire and then they'll burn to death? If that werewolf was too dumb to stop drop and roll he was definitely too dumb to be operating a motor vehicle so it's probably best that he didn't try to drive. Although now I am wondering: if a cop pulled you over while you were a werewolf - hold that thought - a flaming werewolf just rode a motorcycle over a cliff, what the fuck - anyway, if a cop asked you for your license and registration and you were in full on beast mode and your face was way more hairy than it was in your drivers license photo do you think a cop - you know what, nevermind. That little nugget of bad stand up is probably better off dying on the vine.

-Now the remaining bikers are joining up with the Satanic cult to form a super-organization. I imagine they will be like the AFL-CIO of evil? Or the AOL-Time Warner? I don't know which is a more appropriate metaphor. I guess AFL-CIO because I can't imagine AOL-Time Warner starting a riot at Altamont, which is definitely what these Satan Worshiping Werewolves are going to do immediately after they get done camping another 30 times.

-End credits. Well, that was a thing I watched, that's for sure.

Winner: The Cat

Werewolves on Wheels on IMDB