How To Be Single

How to Be Single is a rom-com from earlier this year about four women who each face the same romantic problem from different angles. One woman (played by Alison Brie from the TV show Community) is desperate to be in a relationship... but she's too desperate, and guy after guy keeps getting scared off by her intensity. One woman (played by Dakota Johnson from 50 Shades of Grey) can't decide if she likes being independent or being cared for more. One character (played by Leslie Mann, Judd Apatow's wife and frequent on-screen muse) is an older woman who has given up on the idea of being in a long term relationship completely but still longs to have a baby. One woman (played by Rebel Wilson from Pitch Perfect) just doesn't give a fuck about anything except getting drunk and partying.

This movie spends two hours settling all their problems. As a man who has been single so long that I've regressed from "bachelor" to "feral bachelor" I think I can solve their problems vis-a-vis singledom a lot quicker.

-Allison Brie: you are movie star gorgeous. You obviously have a decent sense of humor and you seem semi-successful. (At the very least your New York City apartment is spacious and well decorated and you don't appear to have a roommate, all of which say "$$$" to me.) You aren't that old and unlike a Jane Austen heroine you live in a time when a woman doesn't have to get married in her teens to be successful. Therefore you should ignore all the haters who are telling you that using a fancy algorithm to help you find "The One" on an online dating site is crazy because let's face it: you do not need to settle.

Sure, your quest is kind of dumb and your methods of going about it are questionable... but people like you can afford to be neurotic. I guarantee you that there is at least one acceptable mate out there who will put up with your bullshit just because you are hot. Because let's face it... to bastardize a line from Pulp Fiction (that was actually about how important personality is): Hotness goes a long way.

-Dakota Johnson: Sometimes you exult in being single, other times you are sad because you can't reach the zipper in the back of your dress and you need a helping hand. But that is a super dumb reason to be sad. Stop pining for an imaginary dude who will demand a lot of your time and energy when it would be way, way easier to solve your problem by going out and buying some better clothes.

Real talk, girl: if you can find a 500 square mile apartment in New York City that is affordable without having a roommate (or twelve) to help pay the rent then I'm pretty goddamn sure you can find a fucking dress that buttons or even a fucking blouse / skirt combo that you can rock without needing help from a second human being at any part of the putting on or taking off process. If worse comes to worse you should be able to call up your amazing real estate agent and ask her to come over and help dress you because that woman seems way, way more competent and helpful than you.

(You might have noticed that I'm kind of mad about how nice these women's apartments are, but it is a completely legit complaint. Dakota Johnson is a fucking paralegal in this movie. Not a lawyer, not even a lawyer in training - a lawyer's go-fer! And yet she's living in an apartment that most actual NYC lawyers would have to murder a millionaire to live in. It is, if you will pardon my French, garbage-ass bullshit.)

-Leslie Mann: You are a doctor in the maternity wing of a major hospital and you bitched about your love life directly into the rapidly expanding hoo-haa of a woman who was in labor - which seems fairly unprofessional. But I can give that faux pas a pass because your real crime occurred the next time you saw that same woman at the hospital. The time line here is a little fuzzy, but it looked like your patient was being discharged from the maternity ward immediately after giving birth.. So why was she was holding a baby that was sitting up on it's own? Both you and the mom should know that newborns can't hold their own heads up, much less sit up, which means that I think you are letting that poor addled woman basically steal a random-ass baby that was at least a year older than the baby she should have been given.

So forget about getting a man, Ms. Mann - you need to go back to medical school and do some remedial research on new born infant ability levels. Like... stat, before multiple sets of parents sue you for serious-ass malpractice.

-Rebel Wilson: I kind of like your shtick, but you need to tone it down about 10%, especially if you're spitting riffs at someone like Dakota Johnson who can't go toe-to-toe with you. When you're playing with improv pros like Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy in a film like Bridesmaids it's a good idea to bring your A-game but in fluff like this bunting might be more appropriate.

Also, you might want to switch up your "I'm an overweight raunchy sex-pot" shtick a little between movies. I'm pretty sure your character here is the exact same character you played in both Pitch Perfect movies.

Oh, and you also need to start picking better movies to star in. Like... MUCH better movies, ones that aren't "How To Be Single" level bad.

...Not that How To Be Single was bad. Actually, it was kind of fun. I mean, it was stupid and it was full of cliches and it was massively unrealistic... But I'm voluntarily watching a rom-com, so what did I expect? And by rom-com standards this wasn't even that offensive because none of these characters were a screaming harpy or total maniac and that puts it a little bit ahead of the curve.

Well, I guess Leslie Mann's character who was the sort of monster who would steal a baby from an epidural-addled new mom and that's pretty fucked up.

Still, in this kind of movie one out of four ain't bad.

Winner: Me (Not that I'm proud of it)

How To Be Single On IMDB